10 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR CHILDREN MORE RESILIENT

By Robert Brooks, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. 

What do most parents want for their children? High on their list are: happiness, success in school, satisfaction with their lives, and solid friendships. In order to reach these goals, our children need inner strength to deal competently with the many challenges and demands they encounter. We call this capacity to cope and feel competent resilience.

Although the word resilience has typically been applied to youngsters who have overcome stress and hardship, we believe that it should be understood as a vital set of qualities for every child. Even children fortunate enough not to face significant adversity or trauma experience the pressures around them and the expectations placed on them.

THE MINDSET OF A RESILIENT CHILD

Resilient children are hopeful and possess high self worth. They feel special and appreciated. They have learned to set realistic goals and expectations. They have developed the ability to solve problems and make decisions and thus are more likely to view mistakes, hardships and obstacles as challenges to confront rather than as stressors to avoid.

Resilient children are aware of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities but they also recognize their strong point and talents. They have developed effective interpersonal skills with peers and adults and are able to seek out assistance and nurturance in appropriate ways. They focus on the aspects of their lives over which they have control rather than those over which they have little or no influence.

There¡s no one proved golden path to the future. Each child travels through life on a unique road that is shaped by a variety of factors, including his or her inborn temperament, educational experiences, family style, and values as well as the broader society or culture.

However, there are some guideposts that provide principles and actions applicable to any road a child travels. Some of them may seem like simple common sense. But even those that appear obvious require continuous thought and reflection so we don¡t lose sight of what is truly important in our parenting behaviors. The following is a brief overview of 10 strategies to help parents foster resilience in their youngsters.

• Being empathetic. In the parenting relationship, empathy is the capacity of parents to put themselves inside the shoes of their youngsters and to see the world through their eyes. Empathy does not imply that you agree with everything your children do, but rather that you attempt to appreciate and validate their point of view. It is easier to be empathetic when our kids do what we ask them to do, are successful in their activities and are warm and responsive. It¡s more difficult when we¡re upset, angry or disappointed in them, but that¡s when it matters most.
• Communicating effectively and listening actively. Communication is not simply how we speak to others. It involves actively listening to our children, understanding and validating what they are attempting to say and responding in ways that avoid power struggles by not interrupting them, by not telling them how they should be feeling, by not putting them down and by not using absolutes such as Àalways” and Ànever” in a demeaning way: ÀYou never help out. You always show disrespect.”
• Changing Ànegative scripts.” Every parent can offer firsthand examples of when they repeatedly told or nagged a child to do or not do something with little if any positive response on the child¡s part. If something we have said or done for a reasonable amount of time does not work, then we must change our Àscript” if our children are to change theirs. This does not imply Àgiving in to” or Àspoiling” children; rather it serves to teach youngsters that there are alternative ways of solving problems.
• Loving our children in ways that help them feel special and appreciated. A basic guidepost for building resilience is the presence of at least one adult (hopefully several) who believe in the worth of the child. Such adults need not necessarily be parents. They are individuals who in their interactions with a child convey love and acceptance and help that child feel special; someone with whom a child can identify, and from whom they can draw strength.
• Accepting our children for who they are and helping them set realistic expectations and goals. To do this, parents have to understand and accept their child¡s unique temperament. Acceptance does not mean letting children do whatever they want or not setting limits on their behavior. However, when children feel accepted, it is easier for them to respond to requests and limits because they experience these in an atmosphere of love and support.
• Helping our children experience success by identifying and reinforcing their Àislands of competence.” True self-worth, hope and resilience are based on children¡s experiencing success in areas of their lives that they and others deem to be important. Each child has different interests and talents that take time to develop. We need to promote our children¡s strengths rather than overemphasizing their weaknesses.
• Helping children recognize that mistakes are experiences from which to learn. Resilient children tend to view mistakes as opportunities for learning while those who are not hopeful often experience mistakes as an indication that they are failures. Parents need to set and evaluate realistic expectations; emphasize that mistakes are not only accepted, but also expected; communicate that their children are accepted and loved even when they make mistakes; and serve as models for dealing with mistakes and setbacks.
• Developing responsibility, compassion and a social conscience by providing children with opportunities to contribute. We often try to reinforce responsibility simply by giving children chores to do at home. However, almost every child from a very young age appears motivated to help others. Children need opportunities to make a positive difference in their world. Involving them in a charitable work, such as walks for hunger or food drives, fosters self-esteem and a social conscience.
• Teaching out children to solve problems and make decisions. Resilient children define problems, consider different solutions, attempt what they judge to be the most appropriate solutions, and learn from the outcome. To reinforce this problem-solving attitude, parents must be careful not to always tell children what to do but rather try to engage them in thinking about possible solutions. When children develop their own plans of action with the guidance of parents, their sense of ownership and control is reinforced.
• Discipline in a way that promotes self-discipline and self-worth. This means being consistent, but not rigid; knowing your children¡s capabilities and not pushing them for unrealistic expectations, relying when possible on natural, logical consequences rather than arbitrary, punitive measures; and remembering that positive feedback and encouragement are often the most powerful form of discipline.

           

How do you make Christmas special for your kids?

Do something out of the ordinary - Take your kids to ride the train with Santa at Celevland Park in Spartanburg on Dec. 11 or take the entire family ice skating at the Bi-Lo Center during one of their open skate days.

A gift a day - Ditch the stocking tradition this year and give your kids a small gift every day for the two weeks leading up to Christmas! Visit the Dollar Tree or Target's dollar bins to stock up on some great items for a great price. Then wrap them up in fun ways and surprise your kids every day.

Matching pajamas - It's fun to dress alike in the cold months to celebrate and for a great casual photo... Find some terrific patterns for the whole family online.

Shapes for the holidays - Spice up lunchtime by using large cookie cutters to make holiday shapes out of slices of bread - ginger bread men, trees and snowmen all work well. Fill the insides with your child's favorite and serve to a smile!

Give back - The Christmas season is a great time to teach your children about the joys of giving. Visit the mall and find some spare change to put in the red kettle while explaining what the bell ringers are doing. Volunteer as a family to pack bags of groceries for the Goodfellows charity. Adopt a child or family that's less fortunate and shop for gifts. Whatever you do, it will go a long way to helping your children understand the true reason for the season.

Message from Santa - Take the time to create a free Portable North Pole message online. You answer some basic questions about your child, what they want for Christmas and can personalize it with photos. You'll get a link to a video with Santa talking directly to your child about exactly what they want for Christmas, being nice to parents, etc.

Dessert anyone? - Everyone goes wild with sweets during the holidays... Kitchens are filled with fudge, cookies, cakes and candy just waiting to be consumed. If your kids have a sweet tooth, surprise them one day by announcing a dessert dinner - nothing but desserts served! You'll feel like a kid again and they will remember it well into the new year. Just make sure you let them know it's a once a year tradition...

How to raise children: A 10-point guide to domestic bliss

The experts say selfish adults are raising a generation of unhappy kids. Mother of four Joanna Moorhead begs to differ.

Childhood, says a report out this week, is in crisis – and it is, of course, the adults' fault. We're too selfish, we pursue our own success at the expense of everything else, and we don't care enough about the messages we pass on to young people.

The report – published by the Children's Society, a charity – doesn't specifically point the finger of blame at the country's parents... but since we're clearly adults, and clearly the adults who most influence our children, it's also pretty clear we're in the dock. And heaven help us if we're trying to bring up kids on our own, or if we're women who are trying to do it alongside doing paid work. It's all bad, bad, bad, says the report (as are too many ads on the telly when little people are watching, too much sugar in their food, and too much teenage sex).

But why aren't Britain's parents marching on the Children's Society's HQ? (Incidentally, the organisation has close links to the Church of England, which may explain its conservative and, frankly, fairly joyless tone.) And what was the society thinking? We all know about sugar and sex and too much telly. The report bashes us over the head with a quaint message about the good old days of family life that never really were. 

But I know why there's no mass protest at the Children's Society. It's because – like the selfish schemers we are – we're all too busy. Busy feathering our nests, planning our next career move, organising our next solo jolly? Not exactly – we're busy doing the weekly shop, sorting out emergency childcare when the school phones to say snow has stopped lessons, and getting through the mountains of washing. The truth is that organisations like the Children's Society can say what they want about parents – we're all too up to our eyes in the reality of bringing up our kids to defend ourselves. So the pillorying goes on, the misguided portrayal of single parents (who are far too busy to tell it like it is) continues; the stereotyping of working mothers goes unchecked.

Meanwhile, a great opportunity is lost. Because, while parents are working selflessly out here to raise our children, we are open – very open – to ideas about how to do it better. I have four children, all daughters, aged seven, 10, 14 and 16. Raising them, as a full-time (home-based) working mother, with a husband who's a full-time (office-based) working father, isn't a 24/7 bowl of cherries. What I'd like to hear isn't more about what's going wrong; it's an acknowledgement that an awful lot is going right, and ideas on how to do our parenting even better. So, in the absence of much direction at all from the Children's Society about the nitty-gritty of raising kids, and in the spirit of a mother who's been around the block a few times with her brood but whose own parenting technique is still very much a work in progress, here are 10 suggestions for what we can, and should, do better.

Get help when you need it

There is help out there – but we're not always very quick off the mark to ask for it. Parenting classes, for example – some of which are run by professional therapists, though some are DIY groups with tips from a guidebook or DVD – can be a godsend. And plenty of other services (child psychologists, other therapists, counsellors...) can be accessed through voluntary organisations or through your GP's surgery.

Too many parents believe we ought to be able to work out on our own how to do it – that because raising children is work that's home-based, it's not something the majority of parents feel they should need professional help with, or should have to go on a course to learn. But that's nonsense: we don't need to be taught how to love our kids, but we could all benefit from a few tips on how to manage difficult situations, or a few ideas for tactics that work. Other parents are a great source of ideas and moral support, so go online and take a look at the local support available to you on sites like www.mumsnet.com.

Communicate more with your kids

When my eldest daughter turned 13 and became a teenager, someone said to me that what she'd need most in the years ahead was time to talk. Not, by the way, time to listen: time to talk. This person (who was a psychotherapist) suggested that I should think about how much time I could comfortably give her for talking in a day or a week, and then double it: because she would need more communication time than I bargained for.

It's not always easy to make yourself available to communicate with your children: it's not easy for me, with four of them, and I'm often alone with them all evening as my husband works long hours. But I can honestly say that – in the same way that you know you'll never regret getting out for a walk, however much you're up against it with deadlines – you'll never, as a parent, regret time spent talking (or listening) to your children. Engaging with them, being aware of their realities, reflecting back to them what you hear, to help them make sense of the world they're in – these are the most important things we give our children. And listening to your child can be truly joyful: kids are funny, they're wise, they're smart, and they're interesting.

Tone down the consumerism

At last there's something good to be said for the credit crunch! It's not easy raising children through tough economic times, and it may be going to get a lot more gruelling before it gets any easier. But for families, there is a silver lining: because the truth is that the gold in families isn't having the latest iPhone or the newest games for the Wii. The gold in families – whether they're single-parent families, or families where grandparents are raising their grandchildren, or families with two working parents – lies in the relationships and the love they contain, and maybe a credit crunch is as good a moment as any to remind ourselves of that.

What's more, for many of us, there's no option: the other day we sat down with our girls and explained that, exciting though it would be to go to a Mediterranean beach in August, the truth is that we can't afford it this year. Scotland, to be honest, didn't exactly get the thumbs-up as a substitute, especially from my two older daughters who were looking forward to adorning the sand in Abercrombie & Fitch bikinis, something that wouldn't quite fit in near Loch Long. But, hey, here's a great opportunity to find out that spending a fortune on flights and a villa with a pool isn't the only passport to a happy week's holiday. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Say what you mean and mean what you say

If being a parent has taught me one thing, it's this: consistency is crucial. In fact, in so many ways, consistency underpins being not only an effective parent, but an effective person. No one wants to have a friend or a colleague who says one thing and does another; no one wants to be surrounded by people who say they'll do one thing, and then do another.

So it is with raising kids, because children need boundaries, they respect boundaries, and they feel safe within boundaries. It's not always easy to stick to our boundaries as parents, but it does pay off in the end. Boundaries are a reminder, too, of another important thing about parenting (something I often forget) which is that they're the kids, and we're the adults. Toddler tantrums aren't, I can confidently report, confined to two-year-olds: there are still plenty of them in our house, and that's just among the fortysomethings.

Don't forget to laugh!

Which brings me to yet another golden rule about parenting, and it's this: even when times are tough, try not to lose sight of your sense of humour. Raising children is deeply rewarding, hugely fulfilling... and if there's another occupation in life that gives you as many unscripted hilarious moments, I can't think of it. We don't wallow enough in the sheer joy of it, and the fun, and definitely the laughter.

Don't preach - be a role model

What we do as parents is so much more important than what we say. From their earliest moments, our children are observing how we, their parents, behave in the world: and as they grow older, you become all too painfully aware of how much they're modelling themselves on the behaviour you've pioneered for them.

That's not to say, of course, that kids are mere clones of their parents: they add plenty of elements of their own into the mix. But remember that the way you behave now could very easily be the way they go on to behave tomorrow. "Stop shouting from one room to another," I said to one of my teenagers the other day, fed up with the bellowing from upstairs. "But mum," she said, "you do it all the time!" Touché .

Don't feel bad about being a working parent

There are plenty of mentions of working mothers in the Children's Society report, and the general tenor is that families are the worse off because of them. The truth is, though, that working mothers aren't even an issue in the real world (or at least, they shouldn't be). What we do need to address is working parents; and the reality we need to be a lot more upbeat about is how much kids can benefit from growing up in a family in which their parents work hard, and are better people because of it.

Being a working parent isn't new: mothers as well as fathers have worked since the dawn of time. What matters is balance in all our lives: and in many families, the balance is jeopardised far more by a father who is too work-obsessed than by a mother who is spending too much time in her office. Being a working parent means saying to your children: I'm a person as well as a parent, and it's important to me to be fulfilled and happy in myself as well as in parenting you.

Don't neglect others (especially your partner)

There's no question about it: being a parent puts a huge strain on your relationship. Everything, after all, changes when a baby comes on the scene: it's all too easy for a partnership that was easy-going, fun and sexually exciting to become hard work, weighed down with domestic detritis, and sexually stale. As your children get older and their needs become more complicated, many couples fall into the trap of concentrating all their efforts on these needs, and spend less and less time on their needs as a couple.

But you owe it not only to your children, but also to yourself, not to neglect the relationship that led to your family happening in the first place. No child wants to see his or her parents split up, it's true: but more than that, no relationship can flourish without a bit of attention. So book granny to look after the kids, and book yourselves into a hotel for the weekend. Now.

Keep a memory box

If this was a job – and let's face it, we all know it's a lot harder than anything anyone gets paid to do – then you'd have regular sessions with your line manager about your progress. You'd have the opportunity for accolades – an award here, a mention in the company report there perhaps. You'd have certificates for how well you'd done on the course; you'd have your annual bonus (in the good times, anyway).

With parenting, there's no one but you to give yourself a pat on the back, to reassure you it's all going in the right direction, and to remind you that you've come a long way. So do it for yourself: and the easiest way is to keep a memory box to dip into every so often so you get a sense of the totality of the job in hand, and a sense too of how well it's going.

My memory box is actually a collection of box files on my office shelf. I have one for each daughter (they're going to get them to keep when they're 18), and I have one for my husband and me to keep, because it's struck me that once they're all 18 we'll still want some momentos just for us. Into the files I put everything from ultrasound scan photographs to labour reports, certificates, pieces of schoolwork that are particularly well done or funny or poignant, photographs of significant and happy times.

Going through my memory boxes is one of the biggest treats life has to offer, for me: it's like delving into a celebration of all that parenthood has been about. When I need a lift, or a reminder that this is a long journey, or when I simply need to see the wood for the trees, I reach for my memory box...

Remember you don't have to be a perfect parent, just a good one

My father died last week, and his funeral is tomorrow. But, maybe strangely, this week hasn't been soaked in tears or steeped in mourning for me: in fact, it's been pretty much business as usual.

It wasn't that I didn't love my father – I loved him very much indeed – and it certainly wasn't that I'm not going to miss him, because I know I'll miss him for the rest of my life. But what I've realised, these last few days, is that he has managed to leave me with the greatest final gift a parent can leave to his or her child: he's left me with no emotional baggage.

It isn't that he and I had a perfect relationship – we didn't. It isn't that he was a perfect father, and it certainly isn't that I was a perfect daughter. (And now I come to think of it, I wouldn't have wanted a perfect father anyway. Like all loveable and interesting people, it was his faults as much as his strengths that made him the person he was.)

What my father absolutely was, and this is what we'll celebrate tomorrow when we raise a glass of champagne to his life after his funeral, was the hardest thing anyone can ever hope to be. He was a good enough parent: good enough for me and good enough for my siblings. And if I have any ambition in my life, it's to follow in his footsteps. What I most hope is that I can be a good enough parent, too.

Baby Massage Tips

Baby massage has been a tradition in many communities for centuries. It is believed that regular massage help preemies to gain weight; reduce colic in infants and strengthen immune systems of babies. Besides all these benefits, it a pleasure for moms to caress the delicate, soft and tender skin of their newborns and cuddle them. Massage should be given to newborns midway between feedings. Older babies can be given massage a little more than an hour after meals. Here are some tips to give right baby massage from head to toe:

• Wash your hands well before giving massage to the baby and apply baby cream and oil to soften the skin of your hands so that they glide smoothly on baby’s skin.
• Remove jewellery in hands such as rings, trim the nails or use balls of fingers to massage the baby, so his tender skin doesn’t get scratched.
• If the weather is cold, turn up the heat enough to keep the baby warm.
• A full-body massage from the baby can start from head or feet, depending on what feels more comfortable to your baby.
• Don’t use baby oil on infant's face.
• Babies less than four months old need only 10 minutes of massage while older babies can be given 20 minutes of massage depending on their development.
• Do not tickle the baby while you massage.
• Keep the pressure light but firm.
• Use fingertips of both hands in gentle small circular strokes starting at the center of the baby's forehead to outside and move on to the cheeks, nose and jaw of the baby.
• To massage the ears of the baby, rub the lobe to the top of the ear using your forefinger and thumb.
• For babies less than 4 months old, cup the head of the baby in one hand and gently massage the scalp and the back of the head using circular motions with your index and middle fingers.
• Do not massage on the soft spots at the top of the head and the temples.
• Babies older than four months can control their heads and necks better, so you can your both hands to massage them.
• A back massage can make you baby sleep in just a matter of minutes.
• Put the baby on her stomach and then gently massage from the shoulders to the entire length of the back using your fingertips.
• Don’t touch the spine of the baby, while giving her the back massage.
• Massage the baby’s ankle with both hands by rubbing their soles and making the mark of ‘X’ on their soles using your thumbs.
• Massage the palm of the baby up to the base of the fingers in circular motions.
• Massage the tiny fingers of the baby by gently pressing them between your forefinger and thumb.
• Make sure that you rub very gently on baby’s elbow and knee joints.
• Gently squeeze the muscles on baby's legs and arms but be sure that baby does not get hurt.
• Keep one hand over other hand and use them like a paddle just below the belly button of the baby to relieve any gas pains and improve her digestion.

tips for parents

Tips for Parents - School and Teacher Relationships

Research shows that one of the most important factors that affects a child's performance in school is parental involvement. All too often, parents assume that just sending their children to school and looking at their report cards is enough. Not true! If you want to be involved, if you want to actively participate in the relationship between your child and the school, there are some things you can do to make this relationship positive and productive. Read on. Also, be sure to check out Web Sites for Parents and Kids.
Methods for Parents to Get to Know Their Child's School Better
First of all, don't just show up at the school; make an appointment to visit.
After you've made an appointment, go to the school; look around, talk to  people.
As appropriate, call or write to your child's teachers.
Talk to other parents about their experiences.
Be sure to read the minutes of the school board, which are usually printed in the local newspaper.
Take time to read the school newsletter.
It may not always be convenient, but try to attend school functions such as open houses and PTA meetings. 
How Parents can Help with their Children's Homework
There are things you can do that will help your child do assigned homework and that result in learning, which, after all, is the reason for being in school.
Communicate with your child about school. This includes talking to him about his friends, activities, teachers, and assignments.
Show enthusiasm about school and homework.
Set realistic goals for your child, and then focus on one at a time.
Help your child get organized. Break down assignments into smaller, more manageable parts. Set out needed items (clothes, homework, permission slips, etc.) the night before to avoid last-minute rushing around in the morning.
Provide a quiet study corner in your home complete with paper, markers, a ruler, pencils and a dictionary.
Never do your child's homework!
Check with your child's teacher about correcting homework.
Expect, and praise genuine progress and effort. An opinion: don't praise or otherwise reward your child for doing what you and he know is expected. This practice leads you down a slippery slope, often with really bad consequences for you and your child.
Be specific when you do praise something.
Focus on your child's strengths in school.
Build associations between what is taught and what your child already knows and understands.
Incorporate concrete materials and examples whenever possible, especially with younger children. Try to help your child learn about the subject in more than one way, using as many senses as possible.
Separate your child's school weaknesses from your child. If your child fails a test, that is all the child fails. He or she is not a failure.
One more thing: Never do your child's homework! (deliberately repeated)
Questions to Ask at a School Conference
Is my child performing at grade level in basic skills? Above/Below? Math/Reading?
What are the objectives my child is supposed to attain? How do these objectives lead to the overall goal for the course/grade?
What achievement, intelligence, or vocational aptitude tests have been given to my child in the past year? What do the scores mean? (Be very specific and be sure you understand completely what the reported scores mean).
What are my child's strengths and weaknesses in major subject areas?
What subjects do my child enjoy most?
Can we together go over some examples of my child's class work?
Does my child need special help in any academic subject?
Who are my child's friends and how does he or she interact with other children?
Has my child regularly completed assigned homework?
Has my child attended class regularly?
Have you observed any changes in learning progress during the year? Has learning improved or declined during the year?   

kidsandparents: the five love languages

kidsandparents: the five love languages: "With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of ..."

the five love languages

With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships—from those just discovering the joys and trial of marriage to those who are ready to call it quits. After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.
Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Since The 5 Love Languages^® debuted in 1992, over five million copies have been sold, making The 5 Love Languages^® a perennial New York Times bestseller. But numbers don’t measure the influence the book has had on couples and their marriages.
The 5 Love Languages^® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good.
The book has been translated into more than 40 languages and is healing marriages around the world!

The 5 Love Languages^®

What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved? The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller! Words of Affirmation—Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten

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• Words of Affirmation

  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten
  
  
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• Quality Time

  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful
  
  
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• Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures
  
  
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• Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter
  
  
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• Physical Touch

  
  
  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.